Thoughts on Today

The world through my glasses today is distant and like clouded glass. I feel like I am interacting with everything from a distance, not really in my body. It feels like exhaustion but not exactly. It is almost like the mask slipped and I can see it. Motivation has been a challenge for a while as I struggle with depression and loneliness. I feel like the end goal is not in sight and I don’t know why I am doing anything. Being here, where I choose to be helps me keep going knowing eventually I will find a window to something. In the meantime I struggle with simple tasks. Being in groups is hard. I can’t separate the background noise and voices from those at my table and I must closely watch someone’s face to hear what they say and understand it. Processing reactions and emotions and understanding why they are reacting the way they are is exhausting. I need the social interaction but is so much work to deal with the people, lights, colors, sounds, smells, and activity around me. Without my training in how to move and read people from modeling and communication classes I would not be able to handle it. Pain is a constant mild presence but some of it is more numb or pressure than pain, but maybe that is just long term tolerance of it. Depression runs in cycles, some low and some high. When I think about my body I think about things I want to change, like hair or teeth, or breasts. But when I think about life my mind shies away not sure where to focus. Small details take up each moment and focus the mind away from the clawing fear of being alone until I can rebuild the mask that hides it from the world. I find that my mask is so good even the psychiatrist doesn’t see thee pain unless I force myself to tell him and try to explain. Every few minutes I clean my glasses or hands trying to breach the distance and feel the world. A cup of coffee gone and no real memory of drinking it. Soft new clothes feel good on my skin and distract my mind again. It feels like I will never move forward and never have a life worth living. My mind wonders if my husband will ever be in the same state as me and if he does do so can we get by financially together. Work is quiet and cold and I struggle to interpret interactions and know if the comment was insult, humor, or statement. I simply let it go, distance, it doesn’t matter.

—–

Another Week Alone
Hanging up Sunday night is always hard. Tomorrow I go back to work to face another week alone.

Another week I will do all the little things he does to take care of me for myself.

Another week I will eat and cook alone.

Another week i won’t feel his touch.

Another week I won’t see his eyes.

Days spent just getting by.
Days spent answering when he will arrive.
Days spent in distraction.

Finding myself watching life.

Finding myself escaping life.

Finding myself hiding myself.

Just sitting at the desk.

Just watching the waves.
Just playing my games.

Maybe learning a new art.

Maybe trying a new experience.

Maybe going somewhere new.

Purpose lost.

Purpose drowning.

Purpose only to have him here.

Silent screams in my head.

Silent about my work.

Silent in my dreaming.

Very tired with no sleep.

Very alone surrounded by people.

Very hungry for his touch.
Zone out into a game.

Zone into my art.

Zone out listening to his voice.

Another week alone.

—-

Another Week Alone take 2
Another week without his laugh.
Another week without his arms.

Another week without his support.

Busy about the distractions of life.
Calling just to hear his voice.
Distance vast and empty in my mind.
Empty of direction and purpose.

Falling quietly apart.

Gaining ground and building strength.

Having tea I made myself.
Interests intense distraction from the pain.

Just me for meals I cook alone.

Keeping my schedule alone.
Lost staring at the waves and stars.

Many distractions to fill the time.

No passions to fill the heart.
Open books I read alone.
Paying the bills without his calm.
Quiet in my room without his game.
Reading on the bus to somewhere new.

Sitting at my desk with nothing to do.

Trouble with the crowds he would keep away.

Up with the sun to start my day.

Visiting places to tell him about.

Writing on my lunch I eat alone.

apeX of the day is hearing his call.
Yesterdays stretch further as tomorrows loom.
Zoo of life like windows to how people live.

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